Times Square can't shine as bright as you, I swear it's true

I believe I have only really talked about the subway once, but now I have another subway story to tell. It will probably sound hilarious, but I can tell you, it was pretty terrifying.

This happened about a week ago.

Every night, when I go to sleep, I usually have some sort of monologue or something in my head, I just talk out one subject to myself. The night before my train story, for no particular reason, I decided that before I went to sleep I would imagine the worst thing that could happen on a train to me. The next morning, I walk to the train station, a get on a train. My brother is on the other side of the car, in front of a man who I soon find is is a wino, drunkly slurring his words so all I can make out is "Armageddon" and "Jews". He's the typical broke wino: tall, disheveled, almost dredded hair, african american, not too many teeth, from the look of it. I relax, and settle in for the typical train ride. Then halfway between the stop I got on and the next one, the train stops. And sits there. And doesn't tell us why. Uh-oh, I think. This is the first part of my worst thing could happen on the train fantasy. Now I'm not claustrophobic, usually. But, when I'm inside a small metal box filled with people underground and there's no light outside and I know there's no way out and it stops, and no one tell me WHY, I get freaked out.

But I bided my time, told myself to relax. The wino gets louder. I get jumpier. I want to go to my brother, listen to his ipod (music will soothe me) or read the newspaper he's holding. But he's standing in front of the wino. a few excruciating minutes later, I make my way over and convince him to move to the other side of the car. By now, another man has emerged from the crowd: The crazy old man. He looks classic upper west side Jew, but I don't want to be racist, so I'll just say he's white, old, and grumpy. But I think he was Jewish, and might have been incensed by the wino's rant. Now the crazy old guy starts muttering, and then bursts out "Goddamn it!" then quiets down. The train laughs nervously. The wino continues talking. The train stays put, with no explanation. The crazy old man continues to burst out, at frequenter and frequenter paces, "Goddamn it! Shut up! Shut UP!" But he says goddamn like GODdamnit (the damnit bit very fast and sharp, the god punctuated heavily). He finally lapses into a tirade against the wino, who finally turns his attention to him, as he shouts "Goddamn it! God put me on this train today as a test, just SHUT UP!" The high schoolers on their way to school begin urging on the wino, and applauding at his drunk responses. At one point, a man in a business suit and briefcase remarks "This is better than coffee!".

The train PA system finally announces that we will be held here for as much time is needed for the train ahead of us to leave, since its doors would not close nor open (they were just banging against each other, or so said a fellow blogger, Melli, who was on the train). The crazy old man screams "You a**hole!", and the and the wino replies "I'm not an a**hole, YOU're an a**hole. You know what you should do? You should go outside, lay an egg in the dirt, and then eat it!" He nods proudly, and the teenagers applaud. I laugh out of fear and hysteria. The worst subway train. Stuck in a tunnel with two crazy guys. I'm about to crack. Luckily, the train finally moves, it having been about 15 minutes of this, the two men bickering incorherently to each other the whole while.

I get out, meaning to just change cars, but the literal wall of people waiting for a train are so many I can't get back on. My brother stays on, smushed next to the crazy guy, and I resolve to wait for a another train, that comes immediately after my old one leaves. Now here's the weird part (as if all this hasn't been weird, right?). I get on this train, and breathe a sigh of relief for its seeming normalcy. The woman sitting in front of me looks up at my sigh, closes her eyes, and then begins to cry, a tear sliding down her cheek. Shaken by this, I look away, and my gaze settles on a woman standing by the door. In her twenties, with heavy makeup and creamy olive honey skin, she is tragically beautiful. Why tragic? Because, unnervingly, she, too, is crying, tears dripping from her nose, as she stares at her reflection in the window and tries to fix her makeup. I want to help her, but I can't. And frankly, this is ridiculous. these two women right next to me, just crying! And they don't know each other, either. They are just crying, for completely separate and unknown reasons. Incredibly shaken from my train rides, I finally get off at my stop, and proceed to school, for a following incredibly normal day.

Sounds almost funny, right? Wrong. Just so, so crazy.

Title Quote: The Plain White T's, Hey There Delilah

and a very funny piece by bill cosby about just this sort of thing.